We hereby present mutterings heard emanating from the downing street fridge on election night which may have been Johnson's first attempt at an acceptance speech (we emphasise, we are using some of his own 'colourful' (you may have a different word for them) descriptions in the first few paragraphs -not our own).
(Satirical, but with links in text if you need further info).
"To all the irresponsible losers, uppity women, tank-topped bumboys and criminals who voted for me, I can say that I am overwhelmed with many emotions on this glorious day of personal achievement... but surprise.....that's the main one that keeps kicking me in the googlies."
"All you labour voters who swapped to vote Tory in the midlands must know I described many of you as losers? And that my father implied the whole UK population is illiterate? And yet you still voted for me!"
"It's also well known that I described some black people as Pickaninnies and yet many of you charming people of colour, with your watermelon smiles, still voted for me!!"
"Many who know me also believe I lie too much - lying in newspaper articles, getting sacked for lying, apparently lying to the Queen, and lying constantly to you - and that I spent much of the election avoiding simple questions, taking other people's stuff, failing to meet key staff in hospitals because doctors and nurses were apparently too disgusted to meet me, and repeating my brexit referendum behaviour of seeming to hide as soon as the going got tough, allegedly suppressing evidence on Foreign interference in UK elections just before a UK election and on and on...and yet you've chosen to trust me with things like the NHS and local government?"
"And you surely don't believe that brexit will be done at the end of January? For sure, some Tory party backers and MPs may make a tidy fortune at that time- as some did on the back of the brexit referendum, all part of the joys of Brexit - but that stuff is hardly your concern."
"The really funny Brexit thing though, which you surely must know, is that there's reams of evidence from real experts who know a thing or two, saying that brexit is simply spaffing money up the wall on a scale that dwarfs any of the costly but constructive spending plans by other parties, that it will involve years of chaos, is likely to make you personally poorer, will make the UK economy smaller than it would have been, thus leading to more public cuts or higher taxes, will increase public debt - remember all those years of austerity pain? Haha. It seems that was all absolutely pointless!!! Bingo!!- and you must know that brexit threatens hundreds of thousands of jobs, that we hope to use it to reduce your rights at work, that manufacturers are begging me to not pursue my plans due to the damage I will do to the remains of UK industry, and that NHS staff were begging you not to vote for me."
"And despite all that, and much more, you voted for me!!! It's lovely of course, but well, do you not see why I'm so surprised? Why in the name of all that is soft, luscious and plumpy, would you vote for all that?"
"And if its direct impact stuff that tickles you - unpleasant personal experiences that may happen to you as a result of voting for me - then I'm assuming many of you know that Brexit is likely to increase your risk of getting food poisoning as well...oh.....excuse me....what's that Dom?"
[shuffle, whisper, posh grunt, "I see, I see"]
"Ok then, it turns out that our Tory propaganda machine has been in full swing, distracting, misdirecting, blaming others, so many of you may not know any of the above....Aha....yes...suddenly the election result makes much more sense. Bloody good job: awesome brain changing work by my Whizzo Team!"
"Right then. All that confusion cleared up nicely and I appear to have lied so many times that you can hardly complain if I do nothing that I've said. Brilliant!"
"Pip Pip! Stuff to get done. Cheerio".
Johnson entertainingly hid from journalists in a fridge during the recent election (the tories say he was having a meeting).
Worried about Brexit?
If you're worried about brexit, well, ok, that's quite sensible. But don't over worry: birds will still sing, sun will still shine, tea will still soothe. Jan 31st is for sure a bad day - barring a miracle, legally we'll be out, so we'll lose our ability to retract our leaving notice. But there's a long transition period after that when we generally continue with our current arrangements, in which you can learn more about brexit, and help - when it is safe - inform friends about it; and during that transition, the negative impacts will start being more strongly apparent.
Both of those will put pressure on politicians to negotiate a much softer brexit than that which Johnson has been talking up. Here's a few sites that are worth browsing, and referring back to, in terms of understanding brexit. https://brexitlies.com, https://www.opendemocracy.net/en/, https://badboysofbrexit.com, https://fullfact.org. there are many others of course.
One other suggestion is that if we want Parliament to become a more honest place, we'll need to be more aware of *not* voting for politicians who are lying to us.
Also we should say that Johnson isn't all bad; there's strong opinion, as suggested by senior figures from his own and other parties, that he's doing a lot of damage and cannot be trusted, but there are probably some worse politicians (as well as many better). And on the bright side, he has been an adequate quiz show host on occasion, so there's that.
We will all learn from this, and some good things will come out of it eventually.