The government yesterday retracted their previous solution ('burn everything') to the Brexit equation due to finding an error in their calculations. A spokesman said "As you know, complex calculations underpin our diligent preparation for exiting the EU. In fact, we have based all our plans to date on careful reading of the Sun, the Daily Mail, and the Daily Express, so our sources have been impeccable."
"However, having recently made an attempt to actually think a bit about Brexit, we have discovered a fundamental flaw in the calculations To use a maths analogy, we got all our sums wrong, and now that we look at it from a more logical point of view, we're concerned that our previous approach may have seemed deranged. There will therefore be no more "Brexit means Brexit" inanity and fewer ridiculous attempts to bully the EU from the steps of downing street. We will continue to use 'the will of the people' though because it is the perfect excuse for our behaviour, and apparently the UK population are still buying it."
"Additionally, and without altering anything in anyway, we have tweaked our approach a little, as follows. The single market we will be sort-of-leaving because foreign friends are keen to sell us many products which are currently banned due to health concerns, but we think the UK population will consume them avidly (just as soon as we have removed the EU warning notes on food packaging). This move will open up profitable board memberships for the architects of Brexit in the future, so it is a key Tory goal. At the same time however, we'd like our EU trade to stay in the single market please."
"The European Court of Justice we will definitely be abandoning as well, but then hopefully coming under the control of something that is exactly the same, just with a different name, created especially for us. The customs union we will certainly leave in 2019 although as soon as we've left, we'd like to rejoin. Immigration will definitely be controlled, possibly, but just not right now. And your human and worker's rights will all be directly controlled by the Prime Minister - what could possibly go wrong with that?"
"I hope that's all perfectly clear. Nothing in our approach has changed apart from everything. The government are confident that the EU will humour our expensive whims because we had an empire once. I also have a quick note from the cabinet to read, addressed to the people of the UK:
'It turns out this Brexit thing is much more complicated than we thought and leaving the EU would wreak havoc with the economy. Who knew? There's a small chance that the UK population would blame your humble devoted servants in the Tory party, for all the ensuing chaos, so we're just tweaking things a bit to see if we can get our newspapers to shift some of the blame for this onto the EU. For now, we'd be obliged if you'd all stop calling us morons.Thanks very much.Ah…and the PM is asking that if anyone has any ideas about what on earth we do next, they pop those suggestions onto a postcard to number 10. '"